razors. I'm done.

Hi.

Every time I post something I'm always on the verge of giving everything up. I should fill you in first on what's happening; before I continuously rant about irrelevant issues that you'll laugh about when you read this a year/ two years from now. (If you make it that far) You finally left your first job and you're now working at a really - really big company. You handle mostly digital outputs for a couple of big brands. Right so- you might be asking yourself- You were in a really good place, what happened? I've been having trouble picking myself up ever since I left George to be honest. A whole lot of life is happening, I'm a bit overwhelmed by it all. I see the end goal, it's right there in front of me, but everything is such a blur right now I don't know if I'll be able to make it. I hope I make it. I really do. I need to.

I'm thankful that I have Rose here with me. She doesn't even know how much she's helping me get through everyday- just by talking to me. This spiral- it never ends and it's super frustrating that I can't get myself together. No more slumps- please. I don't think I can take one more month of this. If you are reading this. That means you've made it. I'm truly proud of you- I hope your baseline is at zero or higher- keep going and go soar.

Hello internet, been a while. So shall I fill you in before I fully explode? So I'm close to finishing my 6th month at work and my enthusiasm has not increased since the last time I logged in here... not one bit. Everyday there's this urge to just flip everyone off and say "That's it I'm done. Fuck all of you." but the problem is I've been handing out resumes and portfolios to various companies and well, I haven't had much luck with any of them. I'm about to reach my breaking point. Every time I go I hate it more and more. I keep telling myself that I should see the bigger picture, that somehow it will make it all irrelevant and easier, BUT DAMN I'M LIKE 2 YEARS AWAY FROM ALL IT.  I should be grateful that I have this job and that I have a steady paycheck every month, but day after day I can feel that the love and passion I have for design is slowly fading. I used to be so enthusiastic about everything now I just find it draining to be honest.  And I hate that I hate what I'm doing.  And being out there has opened my eyes on how people can be so shady, my mother always keeps telling me that I should focus on my work and not let them affect me, but hell-Even when I keep to myself they still have a problem with it. I miss uni terribly, I miss my friends, I miss having people around me who continue to inspire me to keep going.

A name will come.

Adaptation, that's what most of us struggle with.  and by most I mean me. After graduation, having the best 4 years of my life in uni, life shits me back to reality. I was excited to start working immediately after graduation. Luckily enough the company where i had my internship decided to hire me. Im in my 3rd month right now work is okay i can deal with the deadlines, i'm used to that- what's hard is trying to get along with people i work with. See I 'm aware I'm not †he most pleasant person to be around, and with all the bullying in high school I'm smart enough to know not to force myself to others.I know I know I shouldn't be so picky with the people i choose to talk to. I wasn't always this closed-off I was before high school started the most annoyingly bubbly person on the planet.  When you disconnect from the world and just start observing you'll see everything more clearly. 

The environment here is okay-- they all seem to get along with one another, or so it may seem. Some are really close,  what being together for 10 years - you know how each other move. I'm rambling let me get straight to the point. I can deal with the fact that not everyone is supposed to get along, what I'm not okay with is how people can be so fake and shady 99% of the time. See from my point of view I'd rather be hated for being me rather than be liked for being something I'm not.  Now i'm not saying Im bitchy to everyone I don't like , no.  and it's not like everyone's lining up to talk to me. My mom always tells me it's a sort of initiation especially when you're new. they're really not gonna be as nice 

On the verge

This is it I'm finally graduating. I'm excited of what's to come but most of the time I'm scared because it's a new environment and I have to get a long with people I don't know- I mean IT SUCKS that we all have to part ways I've grown to love my block mates. I'm really going to miss them, It took me 4 years to muster up the courage to talk to each and every one of them. Now that I get along with all of them, I wish I just got over this "fear" of being vulnerable and spent more time on getting to know them.

I don;t even want to go to the graduation ceremony itself-- because i know once that's done. I'll never see these people again. I hate that. I like having these people in my life, and even if its only because we needed to take classes together so be it-- i enjoy their company- they made me feel like i had a family - a real one even if it's just for a second. these guys dont know how much they mean to me, how I will miss them terribly, and how thankful I am for their company.

This upcoming year, (which would be in about 9 days) i would

DEFINITELY:
get my ears pierced
get another tattoo
go through the defense (hopefully) :'(
be with my mom again ( even if it's just for 40 days)
travel :D (fingers crossed the india trip would push though-- fingers crossed my mom would let me go to india)


MAYBE
get my nose pierced
get a job 3 months after i graduate
graduate

Watching Drake Doremus' films is my version of feeding my unrealistic expectations of relationships-- you have your chick flick's I have his movies-- there's something about his films, it just seems more real, more raw. Every movie that he makes, there's always a line that resonates with you, and the fact that he doesn't sugarcoat it with unnecessary cheesy scores is just icing on the cake for me.

Many of us take a lot of things for granted, I guess the fact that we're so complacent with everything we never really second guess it. While searching through old photos and interviewing different family members,  I never would have thought that one little glitch in my granddad's painting would lead me to the fact that my mom was adopted. Reality sinks in and it all falls into place.  My mom's side, the side which I am the closest too, i'm not actually related to them.

  A minute or so passed and I think about all the moments we've spent together as a family; how it would be awkward for me now, whenever reunions come around, whenever I start getting all comfy, this little fact will kick in "You're not related. never was, never will be." But these people  even though they weren't linked by blood, treated my mom and my sister and me like we were one of their own. That these people not only gave my mom a new lease on life but also never once made us feel that we weren't family. I guess what I'm trying to say is, those you love and those who love you back is what matters. Biology is the least of  what makes a family , the bond and love is what constitutes a family.

yeah i miss him, but he doesn't really care, so why bother.

but I still can't shake these feelings off. I always do this to myself you know, build up a wall then realize I actually love the person. Before I actually do anything, or muster up the courage to do anything, it's too late. I don't know if it was sincere or not, I don't know if we were just so desperate for a relationship that we took things too fast. I would like to think that all those messages were sincere. Because I can;t take another reality of someone playing me to step-up their game, I've had too much of that already. But I do miss zach, you have no fucking idea how much I miss you,  and it's my fault too.

..feelings--they suck.

Not entirely excited to go back to uni tomorrow. Thinking about the what if's doesn't help either. Wish I had everything sorted out.

have you ever reached a point in your life where you just get tired of everything?
Tired of the people around you, tired of the same old routine you do everyday.
It's come to a point now where the only exciting thing that's happening in my life right now, is when I talk to someone I've never met before and actually have a decent conversation with them-- and the pathetic part of this situation is -- it all happens online.

People have dreams , whether it be practical or insanely impractical. They say that when you overthink things that's when you lose. I've come to a point in my life where I've accepted the fact that maybe this is where I should be, this is my role in the universe--the mediocre filler, to make way for those people who are destined for something greater. Everytime that reality sinks in-- as pathetic as this sounds I can't help but cry.

i seriously need to get away before i fully lose myslelf.

Me again, so shall I fill you in on everything that happened/happening/will happen. Well, I'm still in the middle of thesis majors and I still have concept boards to make for approval, plus the sketches that are still non-existent that is due on Monday so yeah... Yey procrastination.

Spontaneity jar
Finish 1 book a month
Thesis Dedication
Follow through on all my plans.

         Just when I thought I had enough confidence to get through the day, these people put me back to reality and made it clear that I'm still as unaccepted and bully-prone as ever.  I mean is it still called bullying if you're already 20 years old?  Sometimes I just wish I had Dan's sassiness to just shove it all off and not care but, if it's happening toyou 24/7 its hard to not care. Just when I thought that everyones cool with everyone ,  that we're all adults here , we should settle things like adults. People always turn to gossiping and name calling, it's pathetic, and what's even more pathetic is I let all of this bull get to me. it's like freshman year all over again, What the hell do I have to do to get accepted, and for these people to just leave me alone, please.

typing this on a tablet so bear with me

      And I am back from a im-not-counting-so-why-bother month hiatus.  Let's talk about relationships, shall we? Relationships in general, for me, might just be the hardest thing I have deal with on a day-to-day basis.  There's the "I dont really know you but I have to be polite because I should be a decent human being " relationship,  the "We're acquainted but we're not really that close so meh" relationship, the "I know you, you know me I can be weird with you that's how much I trust you" relationship, and the dreaded, " We're just friends but I feel something more, but I don't want to lose you" relationship.

           Now I 'm not an expert on relationships but I always ask myself this question, why are men sorry correction -boys because men--real men don't lead you on and treat you like shit *smiley face* Do this and by this I mean, being total mindfucks ALL THE TIME. You try and talk to them everyday, try and build this relationship with said girl, try and get to know her better, see what makes her tick, try and pretend to like whatever she likes, be all fucking charming and sweet. Be there everyday just so you can talk to her ( this is the best graft technique by the way)  and then it comes to a point  where you decide-- this is it, I' ll try and throw hints about what I feel towards her and when she doesnt feel the same way, you cut her off completely. Wow, way to make her feel even more disposable, way to make her feel like shit. Why can't girls and boys just be friends, that's it be friends. Try to find it within yourself to not be so selfish. It's not fair to you, it's not fair to the girl.

             I have too many things processing in my head right now, wait-- breathes--- okay. Where was I? oh right, the feeling like shit part. Trying to put myself in a situation like that, I don't think I will last, see I've experienced a lot of "I m not really enjoying it anymore so-bye" situations. So for someone to spend all this time with me, for once make me feel like someone's there, someone's actually there to listen to me and to make me not feel like crap and make me laugh on a shitty day and then they all of a sudden not talk to me -that's hard. 

              The fucked up part of the whole situation is, I ' m not the only girl you've been grafting. Yey, to me for falling for everything, I'd like to thank my complete lack of judgement and serously low self -esteem for that. So the the boys who like to prey on girls they know are weak and fragile, you can go ahead and fuck yourself, because sooner or later you trying to step up your game by playing numerous women will catch-up on ypu, OH I HOPE THEY CATCH UP ON YOU, and when that day does come I just hope someones going to be there to pick you back up, and bu someone I mean of the opposite sex -- and  no your mom does not count. 

            

.

me again.

I guess I could never really fix myself. I have friends but not the real kind. Wait, no I have "companions." People who are there when you want to have fun, occasionally be there when you have a fit or two. I've never really had someone who I can be myself with. You see, I'm a people pleaser. I'm can't be myself with anyone unless I know them well enough. The real me , is just isn't as exciting. I'm just bladderred by the fact that People Pleasing is still not enough to prevent other people to talk shit behind your back.

not a bum (... well sometimes I can be a bum but when things need to be done, I get them done... eventually)

I told myself that I was going to write about something in here everyday, I failed to do that yesterday. I went straight to bed after school, so what happened yesterday? events, events events...                                          

oh, we had a parade. WOW exciting. T.T I dressed up as Amy Pond. Lost at least a pound of sweat from walking around the campus. Me and my mates found at least 2 groups who understood our costumes. Not a lot of Dr. Who fans in my part of the world. Shame really

What else did I do?? Oh, right, my hands were useful once again. There was this life sketching thing in the gallery so yeah, did that as well, realized that I sucked in life drawing. Saw pictures of said parade, and realized how my face, wait no ... my head is shaped like a walnut and/or butternut squash. Never did look good in photos, I think its my complete lack of allure or just potential good looks. Oh yeah, my dad thinks I'm being a bum for not attending classes. He doesn't actually say it to me, but I can tell. You don't have to be an idiot to notice. About the not attending classes thing, listen. I just don't want to waste money on cab fare to go to school and not do anything. You may ask, how can you not have anything to do, it's college. Well, my non-existent follower. In my college we have this annual week celebration, wherein the student council sets up these events and if you're into those said events you can participate, but if you're like me who lives an hour and 30 minutes away from school, you wouldn't bother to go to these events especially if I'm just going to force myself to people I don't know. I 'd would just rather stay at home, relax while I still can before I get tons of schoolwork the week after. 

Barking in Circles

Finishing was never one of my strong suits. Ever since I was a kid, every time my parents put me up to something like ballet, gymnastics, badminton...  (actually achieved something in this sport but i just found myself not attending school practices) the list goes on and on. I never seem to finish them. It's either I get tired of it or, something pops up and prevents me from continuing said activity.

Why am I going on about not finishing shit? Well, you see my non existent follower; ready for this? I'm scared of not living. I'm always scared of trying new things, things I've always wanted to do. Like say, I wanted to apply for this internship but I'm too scared to get rejected so I kept putting it off and putting it off until I just forgot about the damn thing. The deadline passed and I said to myself, "AHH there's always next year." Every time this happens to me, and every fucking time I tell myself I'll straighten up and be productive, but no.  My own scared ass is too lazy to do anything. NOTHING EVER GETS DONE. 

Maybe that's what I'm really built to be. A bum. A bum who has lots of dreams but is too scared and sadly, doesn't have the skills to achieve them. Everywhere I look there's always someone, the same age as me who already has a job, or has won some big award. Every time I see things like that. I tell myself. What the hell am I doing with my life? I wouldn't be surprised after 10 years or so I'll be stuck in some 9-5 job, loathing my life, regretting all the things i passed up and telling myself. This is all your fault. PUSSY.