Hi.

Every time I post something I'm always on the verge of giving everything up. I should fill you in first on what's happening; before I continuously rant about irrelevant issues that you'll laugh about when you read this a year/ two years from now. (If you make it that far) You finally left your first job and you're now working at a really - really big company. You handle mostly digital outputs for a couple of big brands. Right so- you might be asking yourself- You were in a really good place, what happened? I've been having trouble picking myself up ever since I left George to be honest. A whole lot of life is happening, I'm a bit overwhelmed by it all. I see the end goal, it's right there in front of me, but everything is such a blur right now I don't know if I'll be able to make it. I hope I make it. I really do. I need to.

I'm thankful that I have Rose here with me. She doesn't even know how much she's helping me get through everyday- just by talking to me. This spiral- it never ends and it's super frustrating that I can't get myself together. No more slumps- please. I don't think I can take one more month of this. If you are reading this. That means you've made it. I'm truly proud of you- I hope your baseline is at zero or higher- keep going and go soar.

Hello internet, been a while. So shall I fill you in before I fully explode? So I'm close to finishing my 6th month at work and my enthusiasm has not increased since the last time I logged in here... not one bit. Everyday there's this urge to just flip everyone off and say "That's it I'm done. Fuck all of you." but the problem is I've been handing out resumes and portfolios to various companies and well, I haven't had much luck with any of them. I'm about to reach my breaking point. Every time I go I hate it more and more. I keep telling myself that I should see the bigger picture, that somehow it will make it all irrelevant and easier, BUT DAMN I'M LIKE 2 YEARS AWAY FROM ALL IT.  I should be grateful that I have this job and that I have a steady paycheck every month, but day after day I can feel that the love and passion I have for design is slowly fading. I used to be so enthusiastic about everything now I just find it draining to be honest.  And I hate that I hate what I'm doing.  And being out there has opened my eyes on how people can be so shady, my mother always keeps telling me that I should focus on my work and not let them affect me, but hell-Even when I keep to myself they still have a problem with it. I miss uni terribly, I miss my friends, I miss having people around me who continue to inspire me to keep going.

A name will come.

Adaptation, that's what most of us struggle with.  and by most I mean me. After graduation, having the best 4 years of my life in uni, life shits me back to reality. I was excited to start working immediately after graduation. Luckily enough the company where i had my internship decided to hire me. Im in my 3rd month right now work is okay i can deal with the deadlines, i'm used to that- what's hard is trying to get along with people i work with. See I 'm aware I'm not †he most pleasant person to be around, and with all the bullying in high school I'm smart enough to know not to force myself to others.I know I know I shouldn't be so picky with the people i choose to talk to. I wasn't always this closed-off I was before high school started the most annoyingly bubbly person on the planet.  When you disconnect from the world and just start observing you'll see everything more clearly. 

The environment here is okay-- they all seem to get along with one another, or so it may seem. Some are really close,  what being together for 10 years - you know how each other move. I'm rambling let me get straight to the point. I can deal with the fact that not everyone is supposed to get along, what I'm not okay with is how people can be so fake and shady 99% of the time. See from my point of view I'd rather be hated for being me rather than be liked for being something I'm not.  Now i'm not saying Im bitchy to everyone I don't like , no.  and it's not like everyone's lining up to talk to me. My mom always tells me it's a sort of initiation especially when you're new. they're really not gonna be as nice 

On the verge

This is it I'm finally graduating. I'm excited of what's to come but most of the time I'm scared because it's a new environment and I have to get a long with people I don't know- I mean IT SUCKS that we all have to part ways I've grown to love my block mates. I'm really going to miss them, It took me 4 years to muster up the courage to talk to each and every one of them. Now that I get along with all of them, I wish I just got over this "fear" of being vulnerable and spent more time on getting to know them.

I don;t even want to go to the graduation ceremony itself-- because i know once that's done. I'll never see these people again. I hate that. I like having these people in my life, and even if its only because we needed to take classes together so be it-- i enjoy their company- they made me feel like i had a family - a real one even if it's just for a second. these guys dont know how much they mean to me, how I will miss them terribly, and how thankful I am for their company.

This upcoming year, (which would be in about 9 days) i would

DEFINITELY:
get my ears pierced
get another tattoo
go through the defense (hopefully) :'(
be with my mom again ( even if it's just for 40 days)
travel :D (fingers crossed the india trip would push though-- fingers crossed my mom would let me go to india)


MAYBE
get my nose pierced
get a job 3 months after i graduate
graduate

Watching Drake Doremus' films is my version of feeding my unrealistic expectations of relationships-- you have your chick flick's I have his movies-- there's something about his films, it just seems more real, more raw. Every movie that he makes, there's always a line that resonates with you, and the fact that he doesn't sugarcoat it with unnecessary cheesy scores is just icing on the cake for me.

Many of us take a lot of things for granted, I guess the fact that we're so complacent with everything we never really second guess it. While searching through old photos and interviewing different family members,  I never would have thought that one little glitch in my granddad's painting would lead me to the fact that my mom was adopted. Reality sinks in and it all falls into place.  My mom's side, the side which I am the closest too, i'm not actually related to them.

  A minute or so passed and I think about all the moments we've spent together as a family; how it would be awkward for me now, whenever reunions come around, whenever I start getting all comfy, this little fact will kick in "You're not related. never was, never will be." But these people  even though they weren't linked by blood, treated my mom and my sister and me like we were one of their own. That these people not only gave my mom a new lease on life but also never once made us feel that we weren't family. I guess what I'm trying to say is, those you love and those who love you back is what matters. Biology is the least of  what makes a family , the bond and love is what constitutes a family.