Just when I thought I had enough confidence to get through the day, these people put me back to reality and made it clear that I'm still as unaccepted and bully-prone as ever.  I mean is it still called bullying if you're already 20 years old?  Sometimes I just wish I had Dan's sassiness to just shove it all off and not care but, if it's happening toyou 24/7 its hard to not care. Just when I thought that everyones cool with everyone ,  that we're all adults here , we should settle things like adults. People always turn to gossiping and name calling, it's pathetic, and what's even more pathetic is I let all of this bull get to me. it's like freshman year all over again, What the hell do I have to do to get accepted, and for these people to just leave me alone, please.

typing this on a tablet so bear with me

      And I am back from a im-not-counting-so-why-bother month hiatus.  Let's talk about relationships, shall we? Relationships in general, for me, might just be the hardest thing I have deal with on a day-to-day basis.  There's the "I dont really know you but I have to be polite because I should be a decent human being " relationship,  the "We're acquainted but we're not really that close so meh" relationship, the "I know you, you know me I can be weird with you that's how much I trust you" relationship, and the dreaded, " We're just friends but I feel something more, but I don't want to lose you" relationship.

           Now I 'm not an expert on relationships but I always ask myself this question, why are men sorry correction -boys because men--real men don't lead you on and treat you like shit *smiley face* Do this and by this I mean, being total mindfucks ALL THE TIME. You try and talk to them everyday, try and build this relationship with said girl, try and get to know her better, see what makes her tick, try and pretend to like whatever she likes, be all fucking charming and sweet. Be there everyday just so you can talk to her ( this is the best graft technique by the way)  and then it comes to a point  where you decide-- this is it, I' ll try and throw hints about what I feel towards her and when she doesnt feel the same way, you cut her off completely. Wow, way to make her feel even more disposable, way to make her feel like shit. Why can't girls and boys just be friends, that's it be friends. Try to find it within yourself to not be so selfish. It's not fair to you, it's not fair to the girl.

             I have too many things processing in my head right now, wait-- breathes--- okay. Where was I? oh right, the feeling like shit part. Trying to put myself in a situation like that, I don't think I will last, see I've experienced a lot of "I m not really enjoying it anymore so-bye" situations. So for someone to spend all this time with me, for once make me feel like someone's there, someone's actually there to listen to me and to make me not feel like crap and make me laugh on a shitty day and then they all of a sudden not talk to me -that's hard. 

              The fucked up part of the whole situation is, I ' m not the only girl you've been grafting. Yey, to me for falling for everything, I'd like to thank my complete lack of judgement and serously low self -esteem for that. So the the boys who like to prey on girls they know are weak and fragile, you can go ahead and fuck yourself, because sooner or later you trying to step up your game by playing numerous women will catch-up on ypu, OH I HOPE THEY CATCH UP ON YOU, and when that day does come I just hope someones going to be there to pick you back up, and bu someone I mean of the opposite sex -- and  no your mom does not count. 

            

.

me again.

I guess I could never really fix myself. I have friends but not the real kind. Wait, no I have "companions." People who are there when you want to have fun, occasionally be there when you have a fit or two. I've never really had someone who I can be myself with. You see, I'm a people pleaser. I'm can't be myself with anyone unless I know them well enough. The real me , is just isn't as exciting. I'm just bladderred by the fact that People Pleasing is still not enough to prevent other people to talk shit behind your back.

not a bum (... well sometimes I can be a bum but when things need to be done, I get them done... eventually)

I told myself that I was going to write about something in here everyday, I failed to do that yesterday. I went straight to bed after school, so what happened yesterday? events, events events...                                          

oh, we had a parade. WOW exciting. T.T I dressed up as Amy Pond. Lost at least a pound of sweat from walking around the campus. Me and my mates found at least 2 groups who understood our costumes. Not a lot of Dr. Who fans in my part of the world. Shame really

What else did I do?? Oh, right, my hands were useful once again. There was this life sketching thing in the gallery so yeah, did that as well, realized that I sucked in life drawing. Saw pictures of said parade, and realized how my face, wait no ... my head is shaped like a walnut and/or butternut squash. Never did look good in photos, I think its my complete lack of allure or just potential good looks. Oh yeah, my dad thinks I'm being a bum for not attending classes. He doesn't actually say it to me, but I can tell. You don't have to be an idiot to notice. About the not attending classes thing, listen. I just don't want to waste money on cab fare to go to school and not do anything. You may ask, how can you not have anything to do, it's college. Well, my non-existent follower. In my college we have this annual week celebration, wherein the student council sets up these events and if you're into those said events you can participate, but if you're like me who lives an hour and 30 minutes away from school, you wouldn't bother to go to these events especially if I'm just going to force myself to people I don't know. I 'd would just rather stay at home, relax while I still can before I get tons of schoolwork the week after. 

Barking in Circles

Finishing was never one of my strong suits. Ever since I was a kid, every time my parents put me up to something like ballet, gymnastics, badminton...  (actually achieved something in this sport but i just found myself not attending school practices) the list goes on and on. I never seem to finish them. It's either I get tired of it or, something pops up and prevents me from continuing said activity.

Why am I going on about not finishing shit? Well, you see my non existent follower; ready for this? I'm scared of not living. I'm always scared of trying new things, things I've always wanted to do. Like say, I wanted to apply for this internship but I'm too scared to get rejected so I kept putting it off and putting it off until I just forgot about the damn thing. The deadline passed and I said to myself, "AHH there's always next year." Every time this happens to me, and every fucking time I tell myself I'll straighten up and be productive, but no.  My own scared ass is too lazy to do anything. NOTHING EVER GETS DONE. 

Maybe that's what I'm really built to be. A bum. A bum who has lots of dreams but is too scared and sadly, doesn't have the skills to achieve them. Everywhere I look there's always someone, the same age as me who already has a job, or has won some big award. Every time I see things like that. I tell myself. What the hell am I doing with my life? I wouldn't be surprised after 10 years or so I'll be stuck in some 9-5 job, loathing my life, regretting all the things i passed up and telling myself. This is all your fault. PUSSY.

PROCRASTINATING

       I always find myself studying at the last minute. studying weeks before an exam just doesn't work for me. I tend to forget everything if I study in advance. I'm failing my ADPRAC subject btw. I'm having a hard time passing, everything I seem to do in this class just doesn't cut it to my professor. I admit I'm mad, I exert effort in everything I do. I want a do-over; ever since he lectured me about not bringing my handout to class, which was just that one time. And I didn't even leave it at home, it was in my locker. I guess it was my fault that I left it in the locker, But to hold that against me and it only happened once. That was the first time I forgot to bring my handout. I think every time he sees my face, he's like... HMM "I think I should just fail this girl, she thinks she's so good." I mean what do I have to do to pass, I don't want to be held back one more year, I don't want  my mom to extend her stay abroad, Lord knows how much she wants to go home. :'((

It's 1 in the morning, and I'm trying to finish a paper due on saturday, as I walk up to the router to turn the wifi on, I see my dad studying in his usual spot reading thick law related books, and memorizing. God I cant even imagine the things he has to remember. To think he's about to turn 45 next year and he's still trying, trying to pass the bar exam, I guess to not let the people around him down. If he passes the bar he'd be 46 and to start building a new career at 46 is just mind boggling to me. I'm getting older too, a year shy from graduating college. scared shitless of the world ahead. Mostly scared that I wouldn't live the life that  I've always wanted.  To be stuck in a 9-5 job inside a cubicle is just horrifying to me.