This upcoming year, (which would be in about 9 days) i would

DEFINITELY:
get my ears pierced
get another tattoo
go through the defense (hopefully) :'(
be with my mom again ( even if it's just for 40 days)
travel :D (fingers crossed the india trip would push though-- fingers crossed my mom would let me go to india)


MAYBE
get my nose pierced
get a job 3 months after i graduate
graduate

Watching Drake Doremus' films is my version of feeding my unrealistic expectations of relationships-- you have your chick flick's I have his movies-- there's something about his films, it just seems more real, more raw. Every movie that he makes, there's always a line that resonates with you, and the fact that he doesn't sugarcoat it with unnecessary cheesy scores is just icing on the cake for me.

Many of us take a lot of things for granted, I guess the fact that we're so complacent with everything we never really second guess it. While searching through old photos and interviewing different family members,  I never would have thought that one little glitch in my granddad's painting would lead me to the fact that my mom was adopted. Reality sinks in and it all falls into place.  My mom's side, the side which I am the closest too, i'm not actually related to them.

  A minute or so passed and I think about all the moments we've spent together as a family; how it would be awkward for me now, whenever reunions come around, whenever I start getting all comfy, this little fact will kick in "You're not related. never was, never will be." But these people  even though they weren't linked by blood, treated my mom and my sister and me like we were one of their own. That these people not only gave my mom a new lease on life but also never once made us feel that we weren't family. I guess what I'm trying to say is, those you love and those who love you back is what matters. Biology is the least of  what makes a family , the bond and love is what constitutes a family.

yeah i miss him, but he doesn't really care, so why bother.

but I still can't shake these feelings off. I always do this to myself you know, build up a wall then realize I actually love the person. Before I actually do anything, or muster up the courage to do anything, it's too late. I don't know if it was sincere or not, I don't know if we were just so desperate for a relationship that we took things too fast. I would like to think that all those messages were sincere. Because I can;t take another reality of someone playing me to step-up their game, I've had too much of that already. But I do miss zach, you have no fucking idea how much I miss you,  and it's my fault too.

..feelings--they suck.

Not entirely excited to go back to uni tomorrow. Thinking about the what if's doesn't help either. Wish I had everything sorted out.

have you ever reached a point in your life where you just get tired of everything?
Tired of the people around you, tired of the same old routine you do everyday.
It's come to a point now where the only exciting thing that's happening in my life right now, is when I talk to someone I've never met before and actually have a decent conversation with them-- and the pathetic part of this situation is -- it all happens online.

People have dreams , whether it be practical or insanely impractical. They say that when you overthink things that's when you lose. I've come to a point in my life where I've accepted the fact that maybe this is where I should be, this is my role in the universe--the mediocre filler, to make way for those people who are destined for something greater. Everytime that reality sinks in-- as pathetic as this sounds I can't help but cry.

i seriously need to get away before i fully lose myslelf.

Me again, so shall I fill you in on everything that happened/happening/will happen. Well, I'm still in the middle of thesis majors and I still have concept boards to make for approval, plus the sketches that are still non-existent that is due on Monday so yeah... Yey procrastination.

Spontaneity jar
Finish 1 book a month
Thesis Dedication
Follow through on all my plans.

         Just when I thought I had enough confidence to get through the day, these people put me back to reality and made it clear that I'm still as unaccepted and bully-prone as ever.  I mean is it still called bullying if you're already 20 years old?  Sometimes I just wish I had Dan's sassiness to just shove it all off and not care but, if it's happening toyou 24/7 its hard to not care. Just when I thought that everyones cool with everyone ,  that we're all adults here , we should settle things like adults. People always turn to gossiping and name calling, it's pathetic, and what's even more pathetic is I let all of this bull get to me. it's like freshman year all over again, What the hell do I have to do to get accepted, and for these people to just leave me alone, please.

typing this on a tablet so bear with me

      And I am back from a im-not-counting-so-why-bother month hiatus.  Let's talk about relationships, shall we? Relationships in general, for me, might just be the hardest thing I have deal with on a day-to-day basis.  There's the "I dont really know you but I have to be polite because I should be a decent human being " relationship,  the "We're acquainted but we're not really that close so meh" relationship, the "I know you, you know me I can be weird with you that's how much I trust you" relationship, and the dreaded, " We're just friends but I feel something more, but I don't want to lose you" relationship.

           Now I 'm not an expert on relationships but I always ask myself this question, why are men sorry correction -boys because men--real men don't lead you on and treat you like shit *smiley face* Do this and by this I mean, being total mindfucks ALL THE TIME. You try and talk to them everyday, try and build this relationship with said girl, try and get to know her better, see what makes her tick, try and pretend to like whatever she likes, be all fucking charming and sweet. Be there everyday just so you can talk to her ( this is the best graft technique by the way)  and then it comes to a point  where you decide-- this is it, I' ll try and throw hints about what I feel towards her and when she doesnt feel the same way, you cut her off completely. Wow, way to make her feel even more disposable, way to make her feel like shit. Why can't girls and boys just be friends, that's it be friends. Try to find it within yourself to not be so selfish. It's not fair to you, it's not fair to the girl.

             I have too many things processing in my head right now, wait-- breathes--- okay. Where was I? oh right, the feeling like shit part. Trying to put myself in a situation like that, I don't think I will last, see I've experienced a lot of "I m not really enjoying it anymore so-bye" situations. So for someone to spend all this time with me, for once make me feel like someone's there, someone's actually there to listen to me and to make me not feel like crap and make me laugh on a shitty day and then they all of a sudden not talk to me -that's hard. 

              The fucked up part of the whole situation is, I ' m not the only girl you've been grafting. Yey, to me for falling for everything, I'd like to thank my complete lack of judgement and serously low self -esteem for that. So the the boys who like to prey on girls they know are weak and fragile, you can go ahead and fuck yourself, because sooner or later you trying to step up your game by playing numerous women will catch-up on ypu, OH I HOPE THEY CATCH UP ON YOU, and when that day does come I just hope someones going to be there to pick you back up, and bu someone I mean of the opposite sex -- and  no your mom does not count.