.

me again.

I guess I could never really fix myself. I have friends but not the real kind. Wait, no I have "companions." People who are there when you want to have fun, occasionally be there when you have a fit or two. I've never really had someone who I can be myself with. You see, I'm a people pleaser. I'm can't be myself with anyone unless I know them well enough. The real me , is just isn't as exciting. I'm just bladderred by the fact that People Pleasing is still not enough to prevent other people to talk shit behind your back.

not a bum (... well sometimes I can be a bum but when things need to be done, I get them done... eventually)

I told myself that I was going to write about something in here everyday, I failed to do that yesterday. I went straight to bed after school, so what happened yesterday? events, events events...                                          

oh, we had a parade. WOW exciting. T.T I dressed up as Amy Pond. Lost at least a pound of sweat from walking around the campus. Me and my mates found at least 2 groups who understood our costumes. Not a lot of Dr. Who fans in my part of the world. Shame really

What else did I do?? Oh, right, my hands were useful once again. There was this life sketching thing in the gallery so yeah, did that as well, realized that I sucked in life drawing. Saw pictures of said parade, and realized how my face, wait no ... my head is shaped like a walnut and/or butternut squash. Never did look good in photos, I think its my complete lack of allure or just potential good looks. Oh yeah, my dad thinks I'm being a bum for not attending classes. He doesn't actually say it to me, but I can tell. You don't have to be an idiot to notice. About the not attending classes thing, listen. I just don't want to waste money on cab fare to go to school and not do anything. You may ask, how can you not have anything to do, it's college. Well, my non-existent follower. In my college we have this annual week celebration, wherein the student council sets up these events and if you're into those said events you can participate, but if you're like me who lives an hour and 30 minutes away from school, you wouldn't bother to go to these events especially if I'm just going to force myself to people I don't know. I 'd would just rather stay at home, relax while I still can before I get tons of schoolwork the week after. 

Barking in Circles

Finishing was never one of my strong suits. Ever since I was a kid, every time my parents put me up to something like ballet, gymnastics, badminton...  (actually achieved something in this sport but i just found myself not attending school practices) the list goes on and on. I never seem to finish them. It's either I get tired of it or, something pops up and prevents me from continuing said activity.

Why am I going on about not finishing shit? Well, you see my non existent follower; ready for this? I'm scared of not living. I'm always scared of trying new things, things I've always wanted to do. Like say, I wanted to apply for this internship but I'm too scared to get rejected so I kept putting it off and putting it off until I just forgot about the damn thing. The deadline passed and I said to myself, "AHH there's always next year." Every time this happens to me, and every fucking time I tell myself I'll straighten up and be productive, but no.  My own scared ass is too lazy to do anything. NOTHING EVER GETS DONE. 

Maybe that's what I'm really built to be. A bum. A bum who has lots of dreams but is too scared and sadly, doesn't have the skills to achieve them. Everywhere I look there's always someone, the same age as me who already has a job, or has won some big award. Every time I see things like that. I tell myself. What the hell am I doing with my life? I wouldn't be surprised after 10 years or so I'll be stuck in some 9-5 job, loathing my life, regretting all the things i passed up and telling myself. This is all your fault. PUSSY.